Thoughts on my mother's death

For my mother's funeral I chose a reading from the Wisdom of Sirach, also known as the Book of Ecclesiasticus. The verses are printed below (3:1-15)

My children, listen to your parents: do what we say and you will live— For God gives a father honor over his daughters and sons, and upholds a mother’s authority over her children. Respect your father, and you atone for sin; Revere your mother, and you accrue great wealth. Children are the reward for those who respect their parents, and their prayers will always be heard. Those who esteem their father will be long-lived; those who comfort their mother are obeying God. Those who fear God honor their parents, and give them the respect one would a sovereign. Honor your parents in word and deed, and their blessing will come upon you. For a parent’s blessing gives a family deep roots, but their curse rips up its foundation. Don’t seek glory at the expense of your parents. How can their loss of face glorify you? If your parents are honored, you receive the glory; if your parents are shamed, you receive the denigration. My children, care for your parents in their later years; don’t do anything to give them grief while they are alive. Make allowances for their feebleness in age; don’t despise them because you’re in the prime of life. For kindness to your parents will never be forgotten, and it will make reparation for your sins; In time of trouble, it will be remembered to your advantage, and your sins will melt away like frost in sunshine.

 

  For me, it is a reading that speaks to the last years of my mother’s life, years that were very difficult for her and for those who loved her.  It was painful to see Mom, a woman who had been so elegant, gradually unable to care for herself, until eventually she needed more care than the family could provide in her own home. A series of strokes gradually took away her ability to remember and to speak more than a word or two-- and Mom was a person who liked to talk, liked a good debate and enjoyed teaching -- so losing her ability to communicate was very frustrating. She loved to dance so the loss of mobility was heart wrenching, and when her arthritic fingers prevented her from sketching even the whimsical paper dolls she used to make for the children it was very sad. 
  Each time a care decision had to be made it was agonizing because Mom never wrote down any of her own wishes, instead leaving her adult children to figure things out. Like a puzzle we attempted to put all the pieces together even as Mom was gradually becoming someone different. We remain very grateful that Mom was charming and gracious even when she wasn’t sure who we were.

   Our goal was always to honor our mother’s life and dignity, to take into account the way she lived and the way she taught by example. And there were a number of examples. Mom took care of her own mother as long as she could, placing her mother in a care center only when the doctor insisted because the 24 hour care that was needed was beyond mom’s ability, and then Mom went regularly to the care center to visit her mother. 
   Later, when Mom was in her 70’s she took care of her aunt who was in her 90's. Mom would drive across town sometimes twice a day, trying to manage her aunt’s housekeeping, personal care and finances while seeing to her own household as well. It was a labor of love that Mom saw as her responsibility. It was a way of honoring her aunt, her father’s sister, and also for Mom, I think, a way to honor her father who had died quite young. By example, Mom taught her children even as we were beginning to detect signs of Mom’s own declining health.  
  We were fortunate that Mom was able to stay in her own home longer than might have been expected because our youngest brother was able to live with her. When it was clear that she needed more care than one person could give, we moved her to a memory care home, where she lived for another five years.
  They were not easy years as the people around her who became friends slipped away one after another, but she had round the clock care by kind and gentle people. And each of her children - in our own individual way - did what we could for our mother. We almost never crossed paths in the care center as we have such different lives and schedules, but because of that, she had family with her much more often than some of the other residents. Each of us connected with Mom in our own way, and each of us will miss some of the other residents we came to know through our visits with Mom.  
   Sometimes Mom would be pampered with a manicure, new hairdo and makeup while listening to great music, or she would be taken for walks through the neighborhood, listen to poetry and share a meal, or she would stay up late watching Dancing with the Stars, movies, or a rousing football game – all depending on who was there to see her. From out of state her other son made sure that bills were paid, property was cared for and that mom received lovely gifts or surprise visits whenever possible.
   And the grandchildren (and older great grandchildren), also honored their grandmother with cards, photographs and visits, and by comforting their own parents as we watched our mother age. All of this I think is what the writer of Sirach was addressing when he said, "Honor your parents in word and deed, and their blessing will come upon you." 

  I am at peace with my mother's death. I have no major regrets about what I could have done differently. She died in the bed that had been hers for a number of years. She was tended to by hospice workers that understood natural death and she did not have to endure a prolonged hospital death. 
  I am content that her children were able to care for her, that she was never left alone and that the example she gave has been passed to the next generation. 

  Thanks for letting me share this with you.

(My mom at about 16 years old with her parents - my maternal grandparents!)